87+ Best Savage Roasts for Defending Yourself and Destroy your Opponents

Good Roasts

• You have a face that would make onions cry.
• I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
• If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
• You’re so annoying, you could make a Happy Meal cry.
• Everyone is allowed to act stupid once in a while, but you’re really abusing the privilege.
• If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on Earth.
• You’re not stupid; you just have bad luck thinking.
• If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.
• You’re so annoying, you could make a Happy Meal cry.
• You are the reason why there are instructions on shampoo bottles.
• If I wanted to kill myself, I’d climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
• I’d give you a nasty look, but you already got one.
• You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it suddenly becomes a beautiful day.
• You’re the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo bottles.
• You have so many gaps in your teeth it looks like your tongue is in jail.
• You’re the human version of period cramps.”
• You must have been born on a highway because that’s where most accidents happen.
• I would call you an idiot, but it would be an insult to stupid people.
• You just might be why the middle finger was invented in the first place.
• If I throw a stick, will you leave me too?
• Every time I think you can’t get any dumber, you are proving me wrong.
• I was today years old when I realized I didn’t like you.
• I told my therapist about you. She didn’t believe me.
• It’s kind of sad what happened to your face… Oh wait, that’s how it has always looked?

Brutally Honest Roasts

• I’m not saying you’re ugly, but if you were a scarecrow, birds would avoid you.
• You’re the reason gene pools need lifeguards.
• I would call you an idiot, but it would be an insult to stupid people.
• You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
• I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.
• If I wanted to kill myself, I’d climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
• Mirrors can’t talk. Lucky for you, they can’t laugh either.
• You must have been born on a highway because that’s where most accidents happen.
• The only way you’d get hurt exercising is if you sprained your ego.
• You are proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
• I would smack you, but that would be animal abuse.
• Everyone brings happiness to a room. I bring happiness when I walk in, and you bring happiness when you leave.
• It is better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you’re stupid than open it and remove all doubt.
• The only way you’d get hurt from exercising would be if you sprained your finger changing the channel.
• If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on the planet.
• I’m not saying you’re ugly, but if I throw a stick, will you leave?
• Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.
• I’m not an astronomer, but I am pretty sure the world revolves around the sun, not you.
• If your brain was dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off.

Witty and Clever Roasts

• You’re not simply a drama queen/king. You’re the whole royal family.
• Oh, sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
• I’d give you a nasty look, but you’ve already got one.
• You’re the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo bottles.
• If your brain was dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off.
• I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
• Light travels faster than sound, which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.
• I’m not an astronomer, but I’m pretty sure the world revolves around the sun, not you.
• Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.
• I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have the time or the crayons.
• I’m not saying you’re stupid, but a glowstick has a brighter future than you.
• Oh, you’re talking to me? I thought you only did that behind my back.
• I would agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
• Are you always this retarded or are you making a special effort today?
• I don’t have the time or the crayons to explain this to you.
• Mirrors can’t talk. Lucky for you, they can’t laugh either.
• You’re not simply a drama queen. You’re the whole royal family.
• If I throw a stick, will you leave?
• You’re like the end pieces of a loaf of bread. Everyone touches you, but nobody wants you.
• I’d explain it to you but I left my English-to-Dumbass Dictionary at home.

Savage Roasts for Defending Yourself

• I don’t hate you, but if you were drowning, I’d give you a high-five.
• You are like the first slice of bread in a loaf. Everyone touches you, but no one wants you.
• I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and poop out a smarter statement than what you just said.
• You’re not the dumbest person in the world, but you better hope they don’t die.
• If I throw a stick, will you leave?
• You’re so fake, Barbie is jealous.
• I’m jealous of people that don’t know you.
• You’re not as bad as people say. You’re much, much worse.
• I’d love to insult you, but I’m afraid I won’t do as well as nature did.
• I’d tell you to go outside and play hide and seek, but good luck hiding a personality that big.

Roasts That Rhyme

• Roses are red, violets are blue, I have five fingers, the middle one is for you.
• Poof be gone, your breath is too strong, I don’t want to be mean, but you need Listerine.
• Roses are red, violets are blue, so many people are pretty, but what happened to you?
• I’m not trying to make fun of you, but you can’t even count higher than number two.
• Everybody knows that you’re stupid, and thought you could fall in love because you saw a fake Cupid.
• Roses are red, violets are blue, I thought I was ugly until I met you.
• Don’t feel bad, don’t feel blue, Frankenstein was ugly too.
• If I were a dog and you were a flower, I’d lift my leg up and give you a shower.

Comebacks for Quick Wits

• I’m not an astronomer, but I’m pretty sure the Earth revolves around the sun, not you.
• You’re entitled to your incorrect opinion.
• The only thing offending me right now is your face.
• Somewhere out there is a tree tirelessly producing oxygen so you can breathe. You owe it an apology.
• You’re not the dumbest person on the planet, but you sure better hope he doesn’t die.
• You are like the end pieces of a loaf of bread. Everyone touches you, but nobody wants you.
• If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.
• I’d slap you, but that would be animal abuse.
• Keep rolling your eyes, maybe you’ll find a brain back there.
• I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your face every day.

Please note that a good roast’s essence lies in its delivery and the mutual understanding between the people involved that it’s all in good fun.